So We Think We Can Cook

Here we are, the final challenge for our five cheftestants in Vegas before the big Napa final two episodes. I think. They can't stretch this out to more than two episodes, can they? 

Brother Bryan needs to win this money. His phone might get shut off, y'all. Kevin is wearing a rosary? Maybe that's why he's been killing it all season, and is definitely going to win the whole shebang. Eli doesn't want to lose Top Chef like his mentor Richard Blais. (A moment of silence to pour one out for the Blaisinator.) He wants to win Top Chef so they they both can win, and to demonstrate this he quotes from The Princess Bride. Um, Eli, your motivation for winning should be getting out of your mother's basement. You are a grown-ass man! Jennifer needs to prove she's not a basket case and can cook better than the shitshow she's been putting on plates the second half of this season.

The chefs head to the kitchen and James Beard winner Gavin Kaysen is there with Padma, who for once this season isn't wearing a romper. Kaysen previously took part in the Bocuse D'Or, which is like the Olympics of cooking, with chefs representing countries all over the world competing via French cuisine. So the quickfire challenge is each chef's version of a crazy meat stuffed with meat stuffed with meat abomination that took Kaysen months to figure out how to make well. Since it's a quickfire challenge, they have no such time to carefully consider their protein choices. Are you ready for some garbage food?

Apparently, the official name of such a dish is a ballotine, which is a nice way of saying "meatstravangza." Jennifer starts out thinking about making a turducken, but ends up with calamari, scallops, and salmon. I would like that; it's called a sushi roll. Brother Bryan's making a sausage-lamb thing. Brother Michael's still being cocky and is making a terrine that is bacon in turkey in chicken. Beardo Kevin thinks the Brothers are reaching too high in such a short period of time. So he's preparing a cornmeal-fried catfish fillet with scallops and shrimp. Eli is making a bacon-crusted scotched egg. Kevin thinks he and Eli are somehow making a statement by making "homestyle food" on Top Chef, because they believe in the food they grew up eating. Relax, Beardo, it's just food.

Anyways, Gavin thinks Kevin's catfish is too dry, and Michael's terrine isn't really a ballotine. He likes Bryan's and Eli's and Jennifer's dishes. Jennifer wins. Yay, she's not crazy anymore! Now, for the elimination challenge: the chefs will participate in Top Chef's version of the Bocuse D'Or. Woof. They need to make a presentation platter, which consists of one protein and two garnishes. And this ain't no simple garnish: the vegetables need to be intricate and demonstrate great technique and method, and perhaps also cure cancer. As an example, Gavin describes a zucchini that is weaved into a basket, which then contains more food. Because who doesn't want to eat food out of a basket and then eat the basket itself? Probably the poors. The chefs have the choice between lamb and salmon as a protein, and they will be able to put their dish on the special Bocuse D'Or mirrored platter to present their food before they plate in front of the judges. Oh yes, shit just got real. 

For winning the quickfire, Jennifer gets an extra 30 minutes in the kitchen. They're going to be cooking for a dozen high-falutin' chefs, including The French Laundry's Thomas Keller. Everyone is freaking out at Whole Foods. No one really has an idea of what they're cooking, but they're all shopping. They come home to plan, but Brother Michael goes straight to bed. Eli oh-so-casually suggests watching a Bocuse D'Or DVD while they snack on their sponsor's waffle fries. Kevin asks the group how he should sous vide his lamb. Uh, Kevin, it's crunch time. We're down to the final five, and this is Top Chef, not Top Ask Your Friends for Advice. Brother Bryan is nice (too nice!) and gives Kevin some tips. 

It's the next day, and they're in the kitchen. Eli's working on a sausage-wrapped lamb loin with a carrot puree and tomato-piquillo canape. Tom Collechio shows up with Thomas Keller and it's pretty much the ultimate pep talk: your dad and your hero telling you "you can do it." Brother Michael is overly confident, since he did some culinary competitions years ago. You can just tell already it's gonna bite him in the ass. He's doing salmon with a cauliflower chickpea tart (which sounds yuuuuuuummmm) and a zucchini tzatziki. Jennifer is also doing the salmon (clever girl) with caviar, a shrimp flan with truffle, and celery root with shiitake. Brother Bryan is cooking a lamb loin with a lamb shank crepinette, and a orzo au gratin.  He's concerned about being able to braise in time. And finally, Kevin is sous vide-ing his lamb loin (even though he doesn't really know how) with a sherry-glazed beet, and asparagus in sunchoke cream. Oh, where is your simple food of the people now? Methinks Beardo is more than a little out of his depth. Tom Collechio shows up again, to go over dishes with each chef, and also to announce that the winner of this challenge will get $30,000. Stakes is high.

Kevin serves first with his food on the big mirrored platter. The judges for this challenge are Padma, Tom, Gail, and Jerome Bocuse, the son of Paul Bocuse, who the competition was named for. And of course, there's eight other amazing chefs at the table. No pressure, guys. Everyone seems to like Kevin's dishes, but Keller points out that his food was rather elementary for the amount of time he had and for a chef of his talent. DOOD, you just got BURNT by Thomas M-FING Keller. Brother Michael serves next, and no one's impressed. Tom Collechio is pissed that he made Mediterranean dishes with caviar and cauliflower. One chef found a bone in his fish! KILL HIM. Jennifer helps Brother Bryan get his dish out, as he was really rushing. Thomas Keller is impressed with his garlic chip technique, but thinks his lamb was undercooked and the fact that he was pressed for time shows. Eli's up next, and again, it's the case of the undercooked lamb, and his technique is lacking. Finally, Jennifer. It's a mixed decision, especially since some people's salmon is undercooked, while other pieces are perfect.

Ah, judges' table. All five contestants are invited in for a reaming. Tom is still pissed about the un-Mediterraneanness of Michael's Mediterranean platter. The judges give Bryan the "with more time, you would've really knocked it out of the park" pass. They call Kevin's dish simple and safe and lacking in skill. Kevin doesn't help things by talking about "the balance of all the componentry together." They tell Jennifer her salmon was cut inconsistently and that's why some was undercooked and some was fine. They again complain about Eli's undercooked lamb and fatty sausage. The judges send the chefs out for further deliberation. The winner of the $30K, the trip to the finals, and the chance to represent the US at next year's Bocuse D'Or is Beardo Kevin. They make it sound like Brother Michael is going to be going home, but it ends up being Eli sent to pack his knives. So Jennifer and the Brothers are also going to the finals. While Eli is going back to live with his mother.

Next week: Napa! Padma has bangs. They're cooking on a train. Brother Bryan wants to win because he's the Big Brother.