Your Seahawks Try to Ruin the NFL’s Parade

by on January 7, 2011

2010 Seattle Seahawks Team Photo

The Seattle Seahawks are losers. This is not an insult, it’s documented fact. The Hawks won seven games and lost nine. Still, that was good enough for first place in their division.

And due to the NFL’s lenient playoff policy, division winners host a playoff game. Just so happens that the Seahawks will host, and have a chance to dethrone, the defending Super Bowl champion New Orleans Saints. The Saints, a Heartwarming Story of Redemption For A City That Has Been Through So Much, are the NFL’s favored children. The Seahawks, not so much.

Witness this scene when Saints quarterback Greg Marmalard Drew Brees visited the office of Faber College Dean Vernon Wormer NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell:

Goodell: “Drew, what is the worst playoff team in the NFL?”

Brees: “Well that would be hard to say, sir. They’re each outstanding in their own way.”

Goodell: “Cut the horseshit, son. I’ve got their statistics right here. Who gained 1,000 fewer yards than their opponents? Who finished 31st in the league in rushing? Who lost to Denver?”

Brees: “You’re talking about the Seahawks, sir.”

Goodell: “Of course I’m talking about the Seahawks, you twerp!”


While this dialogue has been liberally interpreted, you mustn’t doubt that the Seahawks’ appearance in this year’s NFL playoffs displeases the league. The NFL tries above all to control media messaging, and political stats guru Nate Silver writing in The New York Times that the Seahawks are the worst playoff team in the history of pro sports is not the message they want to see. The NFL even tried to hide from the Seahawks’ record on their website. What gives? Why are the Seahawks on trial? Otter Pete Carroll doesn’t think it’s fair:


You can’t hold a single football team responsible for the playoff system! For if you do, then shouldn’t we blame the whole NFL? And if the whole NFL is guilty, then isn’t this an indictment of professional sports in general? I put it to you, isn’t this an indictment of our entire American society? Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but we’re not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America.

Okay, that speech may not exactly have happened, but this did: A reporter asked Seahawks quarterback Matt Hasselbeck today whether the team should apologize for making the playoffs with a 7-9 record. Hasselbeck’s response? “Apologize to who?” Damn straight. The Seahawks didn’t make the system, they just live in the system. Like it or not, that system gives our lovable losers a home game and good chance of knocking out the defending champs. And Bluto Hasselbeck is back from injury and ready to lead the troops, possibly with these words.

What the fuck happened to the Seahawks I used to know? Where’s the spirit? Where’s the guts, huh? This could be the greatest night of our lives, but you’re gonna let it be the worst. ‘Ooh, we’re afraid to go with you Hass, we might get in trouble.’ Well just kiss my ass from now on! Not me! I’m not gonna take this. Goodell, he’s a dead man! Brees, dead! Colston…

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