Julia Roberts as the villain? David Thomson talked of that eleven years ago, but maybe it took this long for someone in Hollywood to listen. Frankly, as much I enjoy Thomson, I found him pouncing at the exact moment it became acceptable for him to do so, on Julia Roberts’ looks, allure, etc., all of which didn’t make much different in my world perhaps because I never watched Pretty Woman all the way through, perhaps also because I always liked Julia Roberts’ hysteroid brother a lot more. Liked watching him a lot more, at least. I’m not sure what the dude’s like walking down the street to get some chili.
Actually, everything you need to know about Mirror, Mirror, opening this weekend, you can learn from the Bollywood dancing number over the credits at the end. Of course you’ll have to watch the rest of the movie to get to the Bollywood number over the credits at the end, but rest assured it’s a good bit and has Lily Collins sounding like she can sing, which for her sake I hope she can. Julia Roberts gets to be the evil stepmother, sure, but she sure doesn’t look bad, which I attribute to diet, exercise, and digital wonderment (not necessarily in that order). Her mirror alter ego looks like Julia Roberts with absolutely no imperfections whatsoever. And that’s the scariest thing in the whole picture.
What else? Nathan Lane’s hilarious, the dwarves get a lot more laughs than I’d figured going in, the production design’s a pip, and I loved the costumes although my girlfriend pointed out, over the credits, that they were mixing up the centuries. It’s a fairy tale, though, she added. Yes, I said.
So, a few good digs at Julia Roberts and she’s able to laugh right along with them. But make no mistake. We are not, to twist a line from the film, waiting for the snow to fall. We are waiting for the apple to fall, and inevitably rot in the grass. We are waiting for that exact instant. David Thomson just wrote it out loud.