Memo to Jeff Bezos: Progress on Gondolas?!?
Someone just slipped this art over the transom–AND I LOVE IT!–but I am increasingly paranoid that we’re close to losing first-mover status on the gondola project I pitched you back in April. I thought at first this must have come from your shop, but as I have heard abso-fricking-lutely nothing on that end, I don’t know. With you tight-lipped bastards, you never can tell. Moving a lot of comparative percentages of Kindles lately? Ha ha! I kid.
Thing is, it didn’t come via the secret network of underground pneumatic tubes linking Seattle’s elite power centers. By the way, have you been getting Ballmer’s Sonics jersey orders, too? They look sharp. I put myself down for a few, just gotta remember to send an intern down to Nordy’s to pick ‘em up.
Obviously we do rely on the OTT (over-the-transom) network when the tubes are down, but mine are working fine. I just sent Blethen that box of Cubans for going ahead with the anti-stadium editorials. (YOU’VE GOT STONES, BLETHEN!)
Two problems! Speaking of Blethen, this is in the Times today, buried in that story about tunnel work cutting into waterfront business. Yeah, I know, boo-fucking-hoo! You lobbied your asses off for the single most expensive option there was and now you’re shocked to find there’s no money for mitigation? This goddamn unfair world!
Wait, it’s not that story, it’s the seawall replacement story: “Ambitious preliminary plans for the park include a gondola climbing from the waterfront up to First Avenue at Union Street”! Jesus Christ, Jeff! I read that and my heart sank to damn near Facebook’s stock price!
God love those loons at City Hall, but if the city tries to build a gondola it will take 35 years and the final design will look something like this. You know it’s true, Jeff! Stop laughing! It’s true!
Plus, update from Luntz on messaging, turns out “gondolas” won’t fly. Everyone thinks you’re digging a canal down Denny filled with caterwauling Italians poling kayaks! I was just in Switzerland, Jeff, taking in the glorious Alpine view of my bank account, and I heard them calling gondolas “cablebahns.” This is very good, I think, but we’ve still got to be careful about sounding too…you know. My god, the trouble I got for writing in Obergruppenführer on the org chart!
AMAZONBAHN! See, the rhyme takes the scary out of the German. You put the happy smile beneath it, it’s all doppelbock and pretzels. I hope to god you’re pressing ahead on your end. I’m running through a lot of expensive Scotch naming things. We both know crosstown congestion isn’t going to fix itself. I lose about three interns a week on Denny, Jeff. They simply never come back. It’s Day One, Jeff. Day Two, let’s string some cable.